Amanda: “At TUBA, there was room for me and everything I am”

“I’ve been taken to lots of different places, and during the times I was sent home to my mom, I lived with my grandmother 70% of the time. I haven’t seen my dad since I was two years old.”

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“There were times when I went several months without having any contact with my mom. But as soon as she started taking Antabuse, I was sent back home to her again. Even though it said in my files that I couldn’t handle more failures. Back then, they handled these cases with the parents’ wishes in mind, not what was best for the child.”

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“It was hard to make friends. I had no idea how to behave around other people.”

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“I have some bad memories of coming home, and then my mom and her boyfriend drinking heavily, and then I’d be picked up again a week later. They spent all their money on alcohol, so I didn’t get any food.”

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“I suffered from horrible anxiety. I was terrified when it was time to go to sleep, and I often wet the bed. I was aggressive and dismissive towards my mom, but somewhere or another, I also had a deep longing for her.”

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“It was hard to make friends. Often, there were other kids who liked me, but I had no understanding of how to be a kid, or how to have manners. I had no idea how to behave around other people. I ate in a really gross way, and I always wanted to have my way. I didn’t really start to make friends until I was 11 or 12.”

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“When I was 17.5 years old, I went to visit my mom together with my sister, who is six years younger than me. My mom was so drunk that she could barely stand up. I took my little sister and we took the dog for a walk. But when we came back, there was a police car. It turns out our mom had called the police because she thought we ran away. In the end, they took my mom away in handcuffs and put her in jail. After that, I didn’t have nay contact with her for several years.”

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“When I was 21, I decided to contact her, and things really went well for us, for half a year. But on her birthday, I called her, and she was blackout drunk. So I got mad and started berating her. She started to cry and she put the phone down. Later, I found out that she had taken a bunch of pills while I was still on the phone with her.”

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“For a month, I was in complete shock. So I went to visit her with a friend, and I told her that I wasn’t just going to let her treat me that way. I remember telling her boyfriend that they shouldn’t count on ever seeing me again. I haven’t seen my mom since then.”

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“A little while later, my doctor referred me to a psychologist for some sessions. I couldn’t afford to continue going to sessions there, so I looked for free counseling on the internet. That’s how I found TUBA.”

“My mom was so drunk that she could barely stand up. I took my little sister and we took the dog for a walk. But when we came back, there was a police car.”

“Actually, I don’t remember my first sessions that well, but later on, I called TUBA again because I was in a relationship that I couldn’t get out of. It wasn’t violent, but mentally, we wore each other down. I felt terrible, but it helped to be visiting the same place regularly, and it helped to have someone with space for me, without telling me that the things I was saying were wrong. There aren’t many other places where there’s room for you and everything you are.”

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“I can have healthy relationships now. I love myself. I have more self-confidence and self-esteem. Those feelings of being wrong and alone can still be overwhelming, but I’m working on that. I’m really happy now. Before, I didn’t have any space for anyone but myself. Now, I do.”