Julie: “I felt so alone”

“I was born and raised on Bornholm. I lived with my mom, dad, and older brother until I was six. I don’t remember any of the drinking before I was six. But I do remember the violent fights. One time, my mom chased my dad with a bread knife.”

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“My parents got divorced when I was 10. I moved with my mom. That’s when I discovered that my mom did just as much of the drinking. There were no rules. I could do whatever I wanted. I don’t remember her ever cooking anything for the two years I lived there. I don’t remember eating. She was always asleep. She had a part-time job until 12 P.M., and then she slept the rest of the day.”

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“I remember one time, there was this incident with a pot. My dad was visiting us, and he said, ‘Ugh, that’s so gross.’ The pot had mold on it, but she just stirred up the food and wanted to serve it.”

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“I don’t remember her ever cooking anything for the two years I lived there. I don’t remember eating. She was always asleep.”

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“When I was 12, I moved back in with my dad to have a little more structure. He had his own business, and he was so hardened that he could run the business even while drinking. My older brother was 15, and my dad would go drinking with him while I stayed home alone. But there were some rules. I learned to help out and respect others. He did discipline the old-school way.”

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“When he drank, my dad got pretty inappropriate. Over the years, he grabbed me, groped me, wanted to touch my breasts. He was a wonderful dad when he was sober, but when he was drunk, he was a disgusting pig.”

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“When I was 15, he had a stroke, and he became partially paralyzed. In the beginning, he was very calm, but a few years passed and he started to drink again. He died seven years ago. He was in an assisted living home, and it took a lot of resources for me to be there for him at the end. It’s hard to say this, but I’m happy that he’s dead now. It was such a huge relief. I have a seven-year-old daughter, and I don’t want to have to think about whether I can leave her alone with him.”

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“My mom died when I was 18. Her, on the other hand, I do miss. We were a lot alike. Of course, she was the one who decided to put a bottle to her lips, but she had bad luck. She met my dad when she was very young, and one glass led to another, so to speak. She wasn’t strong enough to say something. She had a lot of good values. Nature, animals, people. All that was slowly destroyed.”

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“I felt so alone for many years. In 10th grade, it got to be too much. My mom’s drinking, my dad’s health. I attempted suicide. I was rushed to the hospital to have my stomach pumped. I found that the system took care of me. I got to see a psychologist.”

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“I ended up at TUBA by chance. Someone in my family asked if I had heard of it. ‘Julie, it’s free,’ she said. We got in touch with them and I went in for a session. When the therapist said she wanted to help me, I totally collapsed.”

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“First, I went to one-on-one therapy, and then group therapy later on. I did that for two years. It saved me. I found out that I’m not alone. I got a lot out of the group and have worked on myself a lot. It wasn’t my fault. I was able to set aside the hate. The reprimands. I got some tools that let me say, ‘OK, that happened, but let’s take it a little at a time.’ Now I can tolerate having that in my life.”

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“Without TUBA, I wouldn’t be here.”

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“I wish I had known earlier that there was somewhere I could get help. I wish someone had seen me. The loneliness affected me. Being abandoned. For example, I’ve noticed that in romantic relationships as an adult. If the relationship goes south, and your boyfriend or girlfriend just leaves you, and you don’t know if they’re ever coming back. I could just collapse. I would lie there and cry and hold onto their legs if they wanted to leave. Like a little kid. I felt like I would die if someone left me. I was incredibly jealous. I was afraid of being abandoned, of feeling like I’m not good enough. It’s better today. ‘I’m not going to die if he leaves,’ I think. ‘I’ll be upset about it, but I’ll survive.’ I still struggle with self-esteem in relationships. In friendships, too. ‘Am I not good enough?’ That’s still there. But I’m working on it. I write on mirrors and little notes: You are wonderful.”

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“On Facebook, there’s a group for children of alcoholics. It’s fantastic. Everyone knows what the others are going through. People write their stories. You can also just read along. You can contribute whatever you want. You get some room to breathe.

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“I still struggle with self-esteem in relationships. In friendships, too. But I’m working on it.”

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“I stayed on Zealand for many years after finishing high school. I got a boyfriend. I stayed in school. When I got pregnant, I moved back to Bornholm. It’s been nice. It’s a good place to have children. I got divorced last year. We agreed on that, but still, it was a dream that just popped. But I’m happy now. The light is coming, and I can enjoy the birds singing, so to speak.”

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“I’ve made it so far, so I feel like it’d be awesome if I could help even one person. If I can reach just one person and have them find out that they can move forward with their lives, then that’s fantastic. It’s a long road, but there’s hope.”