Karen: “I hid my feelings far away”

“Very early on, I realized that something was wrong. At the age of 10, there was an evening when I was home alone with my two siblings. I talked to my sister about where our mom had gone, and why she hadn’t come home. We called her and said, ‘Mom, we’re hungry.’ She mumbled into the phone. At that point, I realized that that was strange.”

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“Since before I was even that old, I had a habit of going down into the basement to see how many beers had been drunk since the day before. I was afraid to upset mom or make her mad. The uncertainty was killing us. What if she’s drunk now? What will happen next? Are we going to eat at 9 P.M.?

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“I sometimes said mean things about my mom, but if other people said she had a problem, it made me furious.”

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“When I was 14, I went to a psychologist. I told them that my mom drank a lot of beer. The psychologist said, ‘So your mom is an alcoholic.’ That was the last time I saw that psychologist. I wasn’t going to let anyone tell me that my mom was an alcoholic. I sometimes said mean things about my mom, but if other people said she had a problem, it made me furious and I would defend her.”

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“My mom’s personality changed when she had been drinking. She became insistent and unpleasant. She spoke based on her own feelings, which she imposed on us kids. I hid my own feelings so far away that they didn’t even exist. For the longest time, I couldn’t tell if I was sad or if it was the people around me who were sad. I couldn’t feel anger. My friends told me, ‘Karen, if someone kicks you in the ass, you turn around and tell them you’re sorry.’ It’s taken me many years to discover how liberating it is to cry, that it’s OK to be sad, mad, furious, or just really upset.”

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“Until I became aware of my baggage, I was quick to say, ‘Well, maybe my mom was an alcoholic, but it didn’t hurt her any.’ At one point, I had to take sick leave from my job in social work because of stress. I had amnesia. I had no idea who I even was, so my doctor helped me get a therapy session. When I was reading the personal stories on TUBA’s website, I thought, ‘This is my story right here, totally. I need to talk to these people.’ ”

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“When I started going to TUBA, I felt almost like one big, open wound. I had spent 29 years thinking that I hadn’t been affected by my mom’s alcoholism. I realized that I had neglected my own background, my own story. Our mom was and is a fantastic person, bursting at the seams with love; but now, I finally understood that there were some things that hurt, too.”

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“My mom isn’t totally dry, but she doesn’t drink every day. A few months ago, I asked her if she knew what TUBA was. When I explained to her that TUBA helps children of alcoholics, she said, ‘I’m not an alcoholic.’ I replied, ‘Yeah, mom. You are. Your personality changes when you drink.’ I could tell that it hurt, but I needed to get that off of my chest. It was such a relief afterward that I practically floated out of the room.

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“When I started going to TUBA, I felt almost like one big, open wound.”

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“I have a fantastic relationship with my parents. That emotional, loving connection with my mom has been restored. I’ve learned and realized that my mom is sick. Her need for alcohol and to feel better is a disease, a sickness.”

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“The help I’ve received is fantastic, and there are so many people out there we can reach out to, so many people we can help. We have to get past the shame. When you go, ‘OK, I’m actually not alone,’ you really brighten up.”