Liv: “For the first time, I feel at ease”

“My dad has abused drugs for as long as I can remember. My mom left him when I was little. He became my ‘weekend dad’ when I was five. Before that, I visited him in various jails. He would get put in jail for possession of narcotics.”

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“I remember when his hash customers would sit and blow smoke all around my head. He also took me to parties where people were drinking and doing drugs.”

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“Weekends with dad were filled with hash, alcohol, and drugs. He sold hash out of his vacation home, and weapons and fights between the addicts were always on the agenda. I remember when his hash customers would sit and blow smoke all around my head. He also took me to parties where people were drinking and doing drugs. One time, there was a man who told me and another kid, ‘Take your clothes off.’ I was 8 or 9 years old then.”

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“I remember when my dad was drunk and high at night. He’d sit there with a smoke in his mouth and fall asleep. I was afraid the house was going to burn down.

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‘Dad, you can’t fall asleep,’ I thought.”

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My dad always took off on me when we were out walking. I couldn’t keep up. He would tease me if I cried. I was like a little puppy struggling to do everything well enough so that he wouldn’t get mad.”

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“When I was 8, he told me that if I wasn’t there, he would take his own life. He showed me how you make a noose with a length of rope, to hang yourself.”

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“There were lots of times when the police came for him. Another time, a man came with a sawed-off rifle because my dad owed him money. ‘You can’t shoot my dad,’ I said.”

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“My mom was dependent on methadone for five years, but when I was 11, we moved into a family treatment center. That’s when I started to understand things — what had happened to my dad. I wasn’t allowed to see him while we were living in the family treatment center. I visited my dad every once in a while starting when I was 13 — in prison, as it turned out. I realized that I couldn’t deal with that relationship anymore.”

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“My mom has been clean for fourteen years. I felt a lot of responsibility for her, both as a child and once I was older. She developed breast cancer 8 years ago, and I took responsibility for her then; but now, it’s time for her to take responsibility. I have to learn to set that aside. It’s not my responsibility to make everyone happy.”

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“When I was 20, my dad was diagnosed with aggressive liver cancer. He cut back on the drugs. All he had left was hash, methadone, and tranquilizers. But when I confronted him about the past, he denied everything, and I felt like I couldn’t take it anymore. Even so, we saw each other three times before he died. The last time I saw him, he managed to say, ‘I hope that you can forgive me someday.’ ”

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“I couldn’t sleep for three months after he died. Eventually, it got so bad that I thought, ‘It would be best for me to not be here.’ I had anxiety and was prescribed sleep aids. I was afraid and vulnerable. If even a bird flew out in front of me, I got scared. If I hadn’t come to TUBA, I don’t know what would have happened.”

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“It’s been such a relief to come to TUBA and meet other young people who I can see myself in”

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“It’s been such a relief to come to TUBA and meet other young people who I can see myself in, and who understand it when my brain just kind of overheats. When my family disappointed me, my brain shut down, and I got super angry. Today, I think, ‘Liv, they’re the ones who can’t see your needs,’ without bottling it up inside and hiding in the huge black holes I would isolate myself with before.”

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“Today, I can express how I feel; I can say that I’m upset. For the first time in many years, I feel at ease. I can feel who I am. I’m proud of myself. I don’t feel ashamed of my life anymore.”