Sara: “I felt guilty about my dad drinking”

My dad has had problems with alcohol since he was pretty young. That was how he escaped when things got tough. He worked when I was younger, and he drank a lot there, but only on special occasions, like Christmas and birthdays. When I was around 8 or 10 years old, he lost his job. That’s when he started drinking every day.”

*

“I remember he’d often say that we were going to do something or another, but he’d drink that night and he couldn’t get up in the morning. For example, I was crazy about horses. He promised me that we would go to this cool festival with lots of horses, but he wasn’t able to go after all.”

*

“It was always other people’s fault that he drank. He drank because his dad was too stupid. Because his mom died. He pushed the blame onto everyone else.”

“When I came home from school and he had drunk, I never knew what he would be like. I was nervous. Coming home wasn’t pleasant. So I’d usually head down to my grandmother’s.”

*

“My dad would be upstairs with his computer and some wine or beer. Once he had drunk a lot, he’d come down and lash out. When he didn’t feel like he had gotten his way, he felt like everyone was teaming up against him. There were times when he would come into the living room drunk and say that nobody loved him, nothing mattered, and then he’d fall asleep in front of the TV.”

*

“Often, I felt wrong and upset. I felt guilty about my dad drinking. Because he’d usually start drinking again after we had fought: If only I had behaved, gone to school that day, not said that one thing. That’s how I used to think.”

*

“It was always other people’s fault that he drank. He drank because his dad was too stupid. Because his mom died. He pushed the blame onto everyone else. I’ve fought hard to not be like that. But then, I went way in the opposite direction. I took all the responsibility for it myself.”

*

“I had a lot of anxiety and thoughts about terrible things happening. I had to have control over everything. I made lists. I had to get everything done and put on this image of perfection. I put on this mask of being a happy, capable person. I thought that’s what other people expected of me. That somehow gave me the right to be in the world.”

“My dad went to rehab in 2006. He says he hasn’t had a drink since then. I’ve had periods where I didn’t contact him at all, but I’m in contact with him on and off now. We always end up fighting. I think I still hate how he would never take responsibility. It’s hard for him to apologize and take responsibility.”

*

“It’s hard to be around him. He’s really draining. He has anxiety and is really jealous, but instead of telling people how he feels, he becomes angry, mean, and sarcastic. He says mean things about my mom or my uncles, and they’re the people I’m close to, because he wasn’t there.”

*

“When you’re someone who grew up with parents who drank, you really think about other people a lot. You have a hard time putting yourself first. That was something I had to learn.”

*

“After finishing high school, I moved far away from home, and I got a job in at-home care. I developed anxiety and almost became depressed, so I had to quit my job, and I was about to move back home. When I started going to college, depression took over, and I was in a bad mood all the time. My mom had heard about TUBA, so she suggested that I start going there.”

*

“When I first started going to TUBA, I had this feeling that my situation wasn’t bad enough. It took me time to accept that I deserved the help. My dad had stopped drinking, after all. He never hit me, and I still had my mom, anyway. Did he even drink enough for me to have a bad time of it? Enough for me to deserve all this help? I thought about how I was taking time away from other people. When you’re someone who grew up with parents who drank, you really think about other people a lot. You have a hard time putting yourself first. That was something I had to learn.”

*

“Today, I’ve found a good balance. I’ve worked on myself. I have a husband, a dog, and a life that I built for myself. Now, I accept that all feelings are OK. That it’s OK to feel upset. And to think, ‘Man, how tough things were when nobody saw me.’ But now, I don’t feel like it was my fault anymore.”