Trine: “I’ve learned to accept myself”

“I grew up in a loving family. Sometimes, my dad would be in a different mood. I was too little to understand what it was. My dad was a proper man. Definitely not the type to hang around the bar all day. He had a good reputation. He was good at hiding his alcoholism.

*

“Every time my dad came home from rehab, he started drinking. I was happy when he came home, but I also felt very distrustful.”

*

“When I was 14 or 15, my dad went to rehab. I felt that I had betrayed him by calling him an alcoholic. I still wasn’t convinced that he was one. I visited him on the weekends. It was a strange situation. I had no idea how to deal with it.”

*

“Every time my dad came home from rehab, he started drinking. I was happy when he came home, but I also felt very distrustful. Every time, he said it would be over: ‘Alright, now I’ve decided,’ he’d say. But he’d start drinking again.”

*

“One time, I came home to see him having a terrible time. He was really drunk and out of it. The house was almost empty and very dirty. He had hurt his hands and arms from falling into things. It looked insane. I sat down in front of him and asked him to go to rehab. ‘If for no other reason, can’t you do it for me?’ I asked.’I can’t do it anymore,’ I said.It’s so crazy to have a person you love so much say something like that. ‘Goodbye, dad,’ I said. ‘I love you. I can’t help you. You have to want to help yourself. I can’t stay.’
I thought that might be the last time I would see him.”

*

“At that time, I started treatment at TUBA. I had been on the waiting list, and then I got a spot.”

*

“One day, I was going to visit my dad. The door was locked. I got into the house through a back door, which was open. I saw that he was lying on the floor inside. He had fallen over.He felt completely cold to the touch. I panicked and ran out of the house, thinking, ‘What do I do? Is he really dead? What is this?’I sat on the grass outside with my head in my hands. What’s going to happen now? I don’t have a dad. What about the house? The big house. It’s absolutely insane.”

*

“My family helped to empty the house. In a week, I had the funeral and everything taken care of.A few days later, I had a session at TUBA. I sat down for the session and said, ‘My dad is dead now. Now, the thing I was so afraid of happening has happened. Can I still get help from you guys? I really need it.’ Naturally, I could.”

*

I had this delusion about some of the things I thought I needed to be responsible for.

*

“It took time, but the sessions with my psychologist at TUBA slowly opened up my childhood and everything else that had been in my head. The feelings of guilt. I had this delusion about some of the things I thought I needed to be responsible for. I learned that I could accept myself and the things I had been through. Gradually, that gave me a different image of myself.”

*

“It’s hard to believe people when they say ‘I’m here for you.’Are you? Do you mean it? Or are you about to leave?That takes time to sort out.”

*

“It’s really made a big difference for me. I have peace again. Because TUBA helped me. There’s no doubt about it. I wouldn’t be where I am today if it weren’t for that.”